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The Florida Trip/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW [ gunshots ] [ bird squawks ] harold: And now it's time for the show that answers the questions who, what, where, when, and why. "what?" you ask, and I'll say, "the red green show." "where?" you ask. Well, right here. Where else? And why? Because we like you. And, of course, you know we need the money, and the time slot was available. And who? Well, only the greatest human being who ever walked through that door at the back of the lodge there -- you know, sort of to the left by the snowshoes right there. Here he is, the star of our show and my uncle, mr. Red green! Thank you, harold. You forgot "how?" and "what the hell?" thank you. Welcome to possum lodge. It's a pleasure for me to be here. That doesn't mean I wouldn't be happier someplace else. And speaking of someplace else, you've already met my nephew -- and, on a more personal note, my producer/director -- harold. Hello, I'm the guy who makes the buttons and the show do this. [ keyboard clacking ] [ chuckles ] oh, sure, blame it on the buttons. The guys are pretty edgy up at the lodge this week. I don't know what it is, but, I'll tell you, I don't like it. You think maybe it's just everybody's starting to get on each other's nerves. Sometimes people do that. They get on each other's nerves. They start to bug other people. Think that's what it could be? What do you think, uncle red? Well, harold -- sometimes when that happens, you can't even control the way you feel about stuff. It just starts to bug you, and you don't even know why. Yeah, I-I imagine -- 'cause they grate on you, right? That's what the big thing is. It just grates and grates. You know why? People keep doing the same thing again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again. And then, you know what? They do it again. Oh, ho ho, that's -- well, that's a theory. I may have to kill him someday. Anyway, I think what the guys need is a vacation. I mean, I know they come up here to get away from it all, but sometimes they start bringing it with them. You know, like, this morning, I asked old man sedgwick to pass me the salt, right? Shut up, harold. No -- okay, no, I'm sorry. See, I didn't mean that. I didn't mean that, harold. I had a cup of coffee about a week ago, kind of jangled my nerves, and I feel bad. No, I didn't mean it. Go ahead, go on. Go on, go on. This morning, I asked old man sedgwick, "pass me the salt." he said, "oh, well, what's in it for me?" I said -- shut up, harold. I meant it that time. Okay. Oh, sheesh. Any of you fellas see this month's edition of humongous fish? No. No. No, I haven't seen that, doc. Well, now, in the "get reel" column, they say the marlin are biting off the florida coast -- gulf side. Oh, that's good fishing, boys, I'll tell you. I was there about 10 years back. [ sniffs ] did you catch anything? He just did. Well, as a matter of fact, on my last day there, the sun was just dipping down below the horizon. I was just coming back up from the bathroom after throwing up my dramamine. Soon as I sat down on that chair -- bang! -- Something hit my bait, and that line went up from between my legs so fast, you couldn't see it! But you could hear that reel squealing, though, I'll tell you that much, those ball bearings heating up. She was 172,000 degrees kelvin. Luckily, fear helped me cool it down. That's what happens when you get your line caught in a prop, doc. How about one of my lardies in a blanket, hmm? No. Thanks, though. Okay, suit yourselves. [ chuckles ] yeah, she was the biggest marlin you ever saw. Took four men and a small boy to land it. 17 tons of fish, all of it muscle. And how would you clean something like that, now? Hmm, well, we tossed it on a boat trailer, towed it to the nearest car wash, and went at it with a bucksaw. Well, the manager refused to honor our gas coupons. Got some nice tumblers, though. Anyway, I'm thinking about mounting another expedition to the sunshine state. No way. Oh, disney world? Oh, come on, we can't afford to go. The airfares are too much, and, besides, you guys would all want to bring your fish back as carryon. Well, now, we happen to know somebody who owns an r.V. What? The r.V.? You want to take the r.V. To florida? I was thinking how nice that r.V. Would look parked on a florida beach. Oh, sure. Can you just see it? I can see it. Huh? And the bumper stickers, huh? "I visited disney world," busch gardens. "we saw seaworld"? That's the one. [ chuckles ] man, I can just see it. I can just see it. So, the, uh -- the r.V.'s going to florida? Abso-tutely. [ laughter ] oh, this is so totally awesome! Oh, busch gardens, disney world, the girls on the beaches, you know, with their teeny-weeny, microscopic bikinis. You know, I got my binoculars, you know, and my suntan lotion, you know, a real high number, too, you know, 'cause you can use those... And, of course, you know, fishing for marvin. For marlin. Marlin, you know, whoever is around. Well, I'm up for it. [ chuckles ] I'm in. You, eddie? You hate fishing. Well, I'm going. All right, bill? Okay, that's it, all right. I'll go out to the r.V. I got all the new maps. I just got them from the r.V. Gypsy road club. Oh, yeah, they got all these little symbols where they marked out where you can get, like, fat parking spots and you get cheap gas, huh? And we can just jump on that I-75 and right through tennessee! Oh, boy, you know, I'd be up for it, too, you know, if anybody asked me. Or not. Red, how about one? Oh, no, thanks, eddie, not if doc here is gonna be out of town. And I think you boys should realize something. You know, uh, glen likes going places, and he likes coming back, but he really doesn't like being there. Well, that's 'cause nobody likes him being there. Well, how are we gonna get to florida if we don't take glen's r.V.? I mean how are you guys gonna get to florida without his r.V.? Is what I meant. Well, we have glen's r.V. I never said anything about glen. Oh, boy. Holdy-holdy-hold it right there. No, that's -- that's subversive, that's manipulative. No way. Count me out. That is wrong. No. Unh-unh. Of course, if you chip in for gas, harold, we could see our way clear to dropping you off at disney world. Okay, I'm in. Oh, boy, I -- I got a real bad feeling about this, even though it would do harold here a world of good to meet the real goofy. It'll be a piece of cake. Not your cake, of course. Okay. Say, uh, glen-o, uh, you feeling all right? You look a little peaked there. You're not, uh, coming down with anything, are you? No. Oh, I don't think I can watch this. See you guys later. Hey, this will be great, huh, glen? Be good for the r.V., too, to get on a nice, long run like this under its belt. Sure, do it a world of good. Oh, yeah. Oh, it'd be great. Yeah, I can see the r.V. Now, parked underneath those swaying palm trees, huh? [ chuckles ] yes, sir, lawn chairs out front, huh? I'm in the hammock. Eddie's at the barbecue. I can't see the barbecue, of course. [ laughter ] harold's out front, throwing his frisbee. Harold? Oh, the kid's got his heart set on shaking pluto's paw. Oh, okay, sure, harold. I can't ask you not to go. It's the trip of a lifetime, huh? Oh, yeah. And the sun's beaming down, and bill's gathering up coconuts. What am I doing, doc? Running your marina. I can't run my marina from florida. Well, we'll send you a postcard, then, huh, fellas? Doc, uh, it's my r.V., see? The thing -- I go where the r.V. Goes. Well, now -- now, glen, there's not room enough for all of us. Well, then, one of you can't go. Well, now chuckles that's not the way it works, glen-o. You see, with all of us -- it's all of us or none of us. Well, grab a chair, then, doc, 'cause nobody's going then, huh? [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ a-winnie-hoo, away-away ♪ ♪ a-humba-gumba-ah ♪ ♪ that's the song you sing with a hornet in your shorts ♪ [ birds chirping ] [ hammering ] red: This week on, uh, "handyman corner," we're gonna show you what you can do with all that crap your wife makes you bring in every winter. You know, first of all, there's the picnic table. She doesn't want that in the backyard, 'cause she wants to get it out of the weather, and also it stops the snowmobilers from running into the clothesline. And then you have the lawn edging. [ clattering ] she wants you to bring that in. You know, it goes between the garden and the lawn. She doesn't want you to run over that with a snowblower... [ clears throat ] ...Again. Now, this I can understand. The croquet set. Okay, fine. You don't want to be playing croquet when the balls are all frozen and split like cooked peas. On the other hand, the indoor-outdoor carpeting is a bit of a stretch, because, to me, uh... The word "outdoor" is right in the name, you know -- along with "odor," I guess, is part of "outdoor." and shouldn't this be outdoors with -- apparently not. And, finally, uh, my work socks, which have been out on the line since around lent. But, you know, rather than accept this as a storage problem, the true handyman accepts this as a challenge. And I happen to be packing my staple gun. And when I'm packing my staple gun, I'm ready for any challenge. [ click, pop ] oh. Sorry, harold. [ click, pop ] all right, step one is to, uh... Put everything off the table except for the, uh... The carpeting. And we want to attach the carpeting, and then we're going to attach the lawn edging to the table, using the staple gun, just like reupholstering a chair. [ clicking ] comme ci, comme ça. And now all we do is, uh, put the croquet hoops in where the gaps are and then cover them over with the work socks, using the handyman's secret weapon... [ sniffs ] ...Duct tape. So, there you have it. Let the winter stay as long as it wants. I'll be inside here, playing croquet pool. And, you know, if you wanted to build some sort of a ball-return system here, you could use the downspouts from your eavesdropping or even your toilet drainpipes. Now, okay. Yellow ball in the side pocket. Oh, remember -- if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. [ clattering ] nice break. "it is winter. "the snow is plowed and piled deep at the side of the road. "here and there, sticking out of the giant mounds, the hands or feet of slow pedestrians." so, red, what did you do when you left school? [ tool clanks ] well, harold, usually, I'd go home and empty the pigsties, you know, except thursdays. Thursdays, I hosed down the horses. I hated thursdays. No, no, uncle red, I mean, like, after you graduated school. What did you do then? Well, uh, after grade 7, I went right into the army. They take them -- they take you into the army from grade 7? Well, they do if you're 19 years old. Now, why don't you join the army, harold, earn a career, huh? [ laughing ] no! No, I don't think so. I don't think marching in step is a big plus on anybody's résumé anymore, uncle red. [ laughs ] join the army? No way. You got to get up early, go marching around, wear uniforms, live in spartan quarters, eat lousy food, carry guns, get killed, be killed, who knows? [ chuckles ] all for minimum wage? I can do that here. Well, there's no life like it. Well, I'll tell you, this florida trip has been on and off again more times than old man sedgwick's toupee. Now glen says he's gonna make it a solo run -- 32 hours of thunder, straight down there. 40 hours, actually, if he sticks to the speed limit. But the guys are holding fast with that "all for one and one size fits all" thing -- at least they've been publicly. I have a feeling a few of them are trying to cut side deals -- you know, on-the-side deals. It's funny, isn't it? For a guy nobody likes, glen has sure gained a lot of popularity. Well, you know, uncle red, he's got the power. You know what they say -- power and person of popularity, they go hand in hand. Oh, yeah, well, how come nobody can stand the guy who produces and directs this show? Well, they're jealous, aren't they? Oh, that must be it. Well, anyway, everybody's kind of looking forward to going to down to florida, even harold here. I think he's dying to go down to disney world and ride on one of them big huge teacups. That would be so neat. [ chuckles ] do you think it's like you sit in a big tea bag? Like I say, everybody's got their own reasons for going. Except eddie. I don't know why he's going. And, of course, myself. There's nothing for me there. Oh, yes, there is. What about the fountain of youth? You know, you remind me of ponce de león. You got the beard, and you can never find anything. Just take us into the next segment, harold. [ laughs ] I struck a nerve. No, but I'm going to. O-kay. [ birds chirping ] [ humming ] ed, you okay? Oh, red. Red, look, I'm glad you're here. I-I need your advice. Yeah, you do. Do you know what's in florida? [ sniffing ] swamp? [ sighs ] disney world. Do you know what's in disney world? Mgm studios. And now they've got backstage studio tours. When I see mr. Spielberg, I'm gonna leap from the bus, I'm gonna jump up on that stage, and I'm gonna sing and dance my way into his heart. I'm gonna get noticed, red. Well, by the security guards, at the very least. You got something in the oven there, eddie? [ sighs ] everything is under control. Ow, ow, ow, ow! Ow, ow! Fine. W-what do you think I should do? Should I -- should I sing and play clarinet, tap-dance with a mannequin, juggle telephones and tell jokes? What's really popular? Talent. I'm gonna knock their socks off, red. I got what they need. Well, unless they need a cook. Eddie, have you got raw, unpeeled potatoes sitting right on the heat there? [ sighs ] it doesn't matter. This is my career! Yeah, you're right. Those are large potatoes. This is my moment, red. And I'm gonna seize my moment. ♪ sha-boom, sha-boom ♪ [ loud popping ] [ screaming ] ugh. Everyone's a critic. Red: Got a real -- oh, oh, oh. Uh, what I wanted to say was we got a real special adventure will bill today. It's going out to all our friends down in australia. Uh, first of all, this table's for sale. And what we wanted to do today was, bill had an idea to do something on boomerangs. He had bought this boomerang down at, uh, mack's -- mack's, uh...Mack's boomerangs, I think it's called. Anyway -- oh, gosh, there goes the wrapper. Look at that. Look at that. Holy mackerel. Yeah, I guess, they -- look out! Bill, bill, bill, bill! Got her. Nice catch. I don't know how that worked, but, by golly, bill's got the touch. So, he gets the boomerang, and the idea is, you know, that you're trying to use this as a we-- [ sloop ] maybe he didn't quite get the grip just -- just right on that. And give her another go. Give her another -- all right. I'll try her, bill. I'll try her. I've never done this before. I think I did it the other way. Oh, by golly, I can't believe this. Curving right around by the barn and coming up. Oh! Nice catch! I'm kind of proud of myself there. So, now bill says, okay, before you go hunting or whatever with a boomerang, you got to sort of do a little target practice. So, luckily, I had these empty bottles in the back of the van -- purely coincidental, I'm sure. [ grunts ] oh, gonna take a little bit longer to set those up than what we'd planned, but we got nothing but time here on "the red green show." and I'll give her a try. Not bad, not bad, not bad. Bill will give her a shot. Let's see how this goes. [ whack ] uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh. [ screams ] yeah. Yeah. Wow, that would hurt. Ohh. I told him to have that bunion removed. Get that out of there. [ pop ] ohh! Oh, my gosh. Ew. That's gonna affect the flight. [ slooping ] just a little outside. Uh-oh. Thank you, bill. All right, we're gonna try her again. This one, he fires and just -- up she goes. And you're looking up into the sun there, and -- oh, you can't see it. Well, just forget about that one. Bill's got -- bill's got a couple more, so... [ whooshing ] I hear it coming, though. Ow! All right, let her go. Let her go. [ whooshing, smack ] oh, oh, my lucky hat. Oh, my gosh. Bill, what have you done to my hat? I don't care how it happened. You did it. All right, all right, settle down, settle down, settle down, settle down. Look at that. Look at that. Oh, my gosh. This is for bringing down big game like elephants or -- or even, I would say, humans. Ow! Oh, she's out of control there. Went up, turned the other way, started heading back. Get out! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Nice shot, bill. Well, by golly, this florida trip has gotten real complicated. Now glen is charging everybody $500 to go to florida in his r.V. I mean, that's more than the airfare. But, then, you can't have beer parties and food fights on an airplane. So it looks like everybody's gonna go except glen, which means no one's gonna go except glen. Apparently, that all gets explained at tonight's lodge meeting. I think it'd be simpler if florida came here. Oh, yeah, wouldn't that be great? We could sure use some fresh orange juice here. Can you not just picture me lying in the white sand? Yeah, you'd blend right in, harold. [ screeching ] oh, that's the cry of the wild possum. It's meeting time -- now we get to find out who gets to go to the sunshine state and who doesn't. Yeah, I'm beginning to understand why there's so many old people in florida. Takes your whole life to make the travel arrangements. I'll be right back. [ screeching continues ] [ indistinct conversations ] all rise. [ conversations stop ] [ sighs ] all: Quando omni flunkus, moritati. The floor recognizes doc render. Thank you, red. Now, then, gentlemen, about this florida -- forget it! Oh, now, no, you see, glen-o, we all want to go with you. Huh, guys? See? Everybody, yeah. Yeah, look, we feel really bad, glen. We want you to go. We really do. It wouldn't be any fun without you. What's the catch? I'm supposed to fly down or something? No, no, no. Together, you see? Together? Yeah. Huh? All right. [ laughs ] aah! Sure. Look, okay, yeah, all right. Florida, here we come, huh? [ cheering ] the nine amigos are florida-bound. Hold it. There's only room for eight on the r.V. Yes, but we're towing a boat. I mean, someone can just ride in the back. Ooh, well. You mean, somebody's gonna ride in that boat all the way to florida? Yeah, it'll be summer. It's like riding in a convertible. [ chuckles ] now, then, we're gonna draw to see who goes in the boat. All right, now, we've all put our names on these little pieces of paper here, glen. So, bill, give him a piece of paper, pencil. Good. And just fill your name out there, drop her in the bucket. [ laughs ] and now we'll commence with our unlucky draw. [ clattering ] pump! Pump! Red: Watch yourself, there, harold. Thanks, uncle red. Red, why don't you do the drawing, seeing how you're uninvolved and unbiased? And uninterested. Okay, our lucky loser is... [ sniffs ] ...Glen braxton. Oh, man! Loser! What are the odds, huh? Well, I'm guessing, uh, one in nine. Oh, boy. Well, I'll get to see the r.V. Rolling down the highway full steam, you know? Well, I better go pack a windbreaker. We leave at dawn. Yeah! Gas fumes -- I don't know about those gas fumes. Whoo! What a guy! This is kind of interesting. Harold, look how much glen braxton's handwriting looks like yours. Isn't that weird? [ indistinct conversations ] and he spelled his last name wrong. That's unusual, isn't it? Well, he was nervous, red. You know, you never can tell. Bill spelled "glen braxton" right. Oh! Moose got it wrong. [ laughs ] "braxton"... "glen braxton"... "braxton." you, uh -- you won't tell him, will you, red? And give up two weeks of peace and quiet? You out of your mind? [ laughter ] all right, any more lodge business, bill? Pbht! Okay, I'm gonna call on eddie here. Eddie, get up, give us a little entertainment. Hello, hello. Yes, well, I'd like to do the audition piece that I plan to use at the mgm studio when we arrive there at the epcot center there -- that special thing. Uh, it's a mime piece. It's a mime piece. And I have entitled it quite simply... "man in the wind, in a box that's shrinking, while doing a tug-of-war, smiling." well, glen has to be about the saddest, most desperate guy I've ever met, and around here, that's going something, I'll tell you. Still, the boat's got a windshield, so he won't be too bad off. He can take off a couple of his coats after they hit north carolina. Anyway, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. And I thought maybe we could have our very own stay-at-home vacation. I'll bring a quart of orange juice and a sunlamp, and, uh, maybe we can go to adventureland, unless the roller coaster is closed. So, until next time, on behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. sounds like. It's a book. It's a movie? Watch your truss there, ed. Am I missing something here? I don't know. Should we help him? Lardies in a blanket. Oh, uh-oh. Now, easy, fellas. Come on.